The Big Beta Scandal!

So I had two beta fish, male and female, Inigo Montoya Jr. (Jr. because he was a gift to replace the one that died) and Priscilla Camille Duncan. I acquired them with the intent to breed them and sell the babies. You know, have them joyfully multiply and replenish the earth while making money off of it. Perfect plan, right?

Well, no. You see, to breed betas, you must gradually introduce them in a controlled environment. Kind of like dating. You know, dinner, movies, maybe some mini golf... except with beta fish you run the risk of them killing each other if it goes wrong. No pressure.

Ideally, the male shows off and builds a bubble nest to keep the eggs in once they mate. Once the bubble nest is built, you put the female in and nature runs its course.

But Inigo was being a punk and not building his bubble nest. He would show off and be like: "Hey girl, check out my nice bod. Yeah, you like my long whispy blue fins, I got some right here babe!" But no bubble nest. You could say he was being a total Provo Allstar, flirting up a storm, but never willing to commit. Priscilla didn't seem all that interested either. I mean, who would be interested in such a tool like him? Gosh Inigo, this is why women get so mad at stupid men!

Eventually, I gave up, and just put them back in the original tank. This tank is about 3 gallons, has a lid with a feeding latch, a quiet filter, and features state of the art gravel and plastic plants. Now, this tank also came with a divider to put in the middle of it, so that you can safely house different kinds of fish together, like betas, without them killing each other.

Or so you would think....

For many weeks, they shared this tank without incident, content with their small, private rooms in  Alice's Tank Apartments. They would casually coast around their plants, ponder the meaning of life, then excitedly swim to the top whenever Alice opened the feeding latch. Nom nom nom nom, fish flakes.

Then today, I went to feed them as normal, when I looked on the right side of the tank and noticed... Inigo is not swimming up for his food. Inigo ALWAYS goes for his food! I look closer, and I don't see him anywhere. Okay, he's hiding maybe. I look all around the his room. Nothing.

Now, when I say I looked, I really mean I LOOKED! He was not there! I looked at it from all angles, front, side, back, above... I would have done below but that was kind of impossible... so instead, my roommate and I both stuck our hands in the water and combed through the gravel. Nothing. We looked through his plants again. Nothing!

Remember, this tank has a lid! So him jumping out is not possible. Even if it were, there was no sign of his body anywhere in the vicinity of the tank. We have no cat. I have a lizard, but he generally stays in his locked glass cage with a screen top. Did he turn invisible? Did he disintegrate? Was he stolen? No one knew.

I have zero experience with having children of my own, but I imagined that this was a glimpse of what it's like to lose your child. WHAT THE FRACK HAPPENED TO MA BABY? AAAAAAAA, CALL THE POLICE, ORGANIZE SEARCH PARTIES, GET SOME MISSING PERSON POSTERS OUT!

Actually, I was mostly just super confused, but you get the point. My beautiful Inigo was gone without a trace, and there was no explanation as to how or why.

Then one of my roommates posited that Priscilla might have eaten him. I couldn't believe that at first, because again, there was a divider, and it really did not have space for a fish to squeeze through. I mean, that was the point of having it. The divider fit nice and snug into the tank, latching securely in place. There was no way something could jump or sneak around that.... at least I think there wasn't.

So what is a confused person like me to do except turn to the internet. Guys, I literally typed "Help my beta fish went missin!" According to Goolge, apparently beta fish can surprise you in their abilities to squeeze into and hide in tight places. Other people have had this problem of suddenly missing their fancy fish friends until they literally had to comb through every square inch of the tank.

So that's what I did! I turned to the left side of the tank and started searching Priscilla's room. Checked the plants, checked the gravel... I even took the divider out to see if he'd somehow gotten stuck in a crawl space. Nothing. Priscilla of course was completely elated with this new found space that she had, but I was left even more confused than before.

Then something caught my eye in of her plants. Mind you, this was Priscilla's plant. It was very much on her side of the tank, not Inigo's. Remember this.

I noticed a faint blue fin sticking out from the middle of the plant. I hadn't noticed it before because this plant was designed to look like a dense fern, and the coloration kind of obscured it from our sight before. So I stuck my hand in there again and pulled on the fin.

And... out popped Inigo.... dead, and with his fancy fins eaten off!

Which means that SOMEHOW Inigo wriggled his way into Priscilla's room, and got killed.

But how... and why?

I have two theories:

1. Inigo was all like "Ima gonna get some!", broke into Priscilla's place and got all up in her business. But she was all like "Ahh HEEEEECK no!" Yet Inigo, being the Provo Allstar that he was, wouldn't take a hint. So she was like "Boy, you better get them big fins outta my face before I kick yo butt!" and Inigo thought "Yeah, she wants me right?" No Inigo, you stupid boy. She didn't, and so she killed you. Idiot, that's what you get for trying to assault your woman!

2. Priscilla hated Inigo. She despised his presence and his big ego. On top of that, she wanted more space to swim. She needed to be free! But she could only do that if Inigo was gone. So for weeks she hatched up a plan. A most devious plan. A plan where she would seduce him over to her place. A seduction so devious, so tempting, so irresistible that he would brave the dangerous journey of crossing the barrier to her arms... or fins, rather. And when he finally got there, she killed him, ate his fancy fins out of spite, and hid the body in the bush. It was the perfect crime!

But which story seems more plausible? After all, we do know that Inigo was a tool who wouldn't commit. He wanted all the action without the responsibility. And the divider did technically have small peep holes in it that he could have been taking advantage of. The pervert!

But on the other hand, Priscilla was anxious to see that divider gone. She gleefully swam to the other side, carrying herself so proudly and free as soon as I removed it. And the body was well hidden. Very well hidden.... as if someone purposefully put it there....

In any event, one thing is certain: I am never going to try to mate Priscilla ever again. I don't think she wants no babies....